Important News

If you haven't recently experienced the sheer joy of a rollicking belly-laugh then allow me to share the best new webcomic I've come across. XKCD will make you giggle so hard at your desk that you'll have to hold it in and quietly shake like an epileptic mime.

For my money, this one is the best so far.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Hello Gentle Readers,

My reading time: 48 hours
My fiance did it in 12 hours (Wow. That's what you get when you are going to marry a PHD student who reads for a living).

Okay, so why is this a blog instead of a review? Good question. I guess because I value a review of a book differently that I value a review of other entertainment genres. For example, when I read video game reviews, I generally don't care what the review says about the story or the characters, I only care about the problems (camera issues, clipping, fog, unnecessary jumping deaths, etc). If there are few problems and I like the genre, then chances are I'll like the game.

However, with a book, the level of investment and how a person interacts with it, is considerably different. Whereas I read HP as soon as I could finish, there will be loads of people savoring it by reading a chapter at a time. If a book is read in small bits, the reader's impression of pacing won't reflect my own. Whereas, with a movie review, pacing is essential. As Joss Whedon says "film is all about momentum." If a film drags in the middle, it can sour an audience's enjoyment.

Well, the good news is that Deathy Hallows will make a hellovah movie. The whole story is action and its structure is considerably unlike the previous books (with very little taking place at Hogwarts). But I don't want to worry about spoilers so, let me just say that doing nothing but read for 48 hours was a wonderful gift. I was filled with a youthful excitement as I hurriedly flipped pages. I laughed, I cried and when I was done I felt a true sense of satisfaction. Rather than write a review of a book, I'd rather review my experience. And as RW of the DA says, it was bloody brilliant.

Trailers and Fishes

I went to see Transformers for the first time last night. Normally, I'd be gracing you with a review, but today's Coming Distractions really says it all. However, I would like to discuss the following trailer which some of you may have seen:

We begin with shaky-cam video a la Blair Witch Project except it's filming a going away party instead of stick figure effigies. The dialogue is witty, but suddenly interrupted by a monstrous growl and earthquake. Party-goers rush to the roof in time to see a huge fireball erupt in the middle of the city skyscrapers. People flee on the streets and the hand-cam zooms in on a piece of flying debris which turns out to be the face of the Statue of Liberty. The screen flashes the name J.J. Abrams, the date 1.18.08, and the normal screen credits page. Title? None.

I know J.J. likes his mystery to be swallowed in 1000 mg horse pills, but this is a little much. Of course the preview is doing its job of making me immensely curious, but the sweet sensation of anticipation is dulled by resentment and frustration. Immediately after seeing the trailer, I thought it was a mistake. Maybe I should let the staff know they have a bad trailer reel. Later that night, I started to think it was either the best marketing idea ever, or the worst.

Now, I just feel like smacking J.J. around a little. Especially if Lost doesn't follow through. Oh yeah, I'm lumping it all together.

In other news, I simply must tell you about the most fascinating activity I participated in this last Saturday. The Mount Vernon Children's Art Festival has been going on for many years, and my wife has been helping her mom for many of them. I was recently enlisted to help with the booth called "Fish Prints." In this artistic activity, we thumb our noses at PETA, taking donated fish and using them like Captain Ahab's Barbie dolls.

Stage 1: Place a dead fish on a cafeteria tray and give it to a child armed with powdered tempra paint.


Stage 2: (not pictured) Place a piece of paper atop the art deco fish and press firmly upon its lifeless flesh.

Stage 3: Wash the fish and return it to the table for further experimentation in color Nihilism.


This poor fish in my hand is about the cleanest he can get after about two runs through the wringer. My joy is unparalleled.


My favorite quotes of the day came from both children and parents alike. "Are these real fish?" "Are these fish real or dead?" "Can I poke the eyeball?"

What really strikes me as odd is the fact that this booth was one of the most popular ones in the entire field. Despite being bent over for most of the day, it's not my back that hurts but rather my legs from all the running about. You wouldn't believe how irate some adults would become if their child didn't get to paint the fish they wanted. They acted as though they were paying for the experience and wanted to get their money's worth. It's a fish! Just commit your defacement and be on your way!

So that's the way of things in Mount Vernon. I daresay that a repeat performance will most likely be demanded next year. We shall see.

Peace out, my home boys.

Ipderb Gliderplunk

So here we are again. Let me welcome you, the precious few who grace our blog with your eyes, to another Friday.

I've been puting (or is it putting, like miniature golf?) off a blog update until I had a comic to accompany it, but the situation has become so dire that I feel I must post regardless. Last weekend, I completed the final illustration in what will come to be known as the Hundred Day Job. It has taken until today to finish the "fixes" requested by the director (Him: "The masts on the boat look crooked." Me: "That's because the boat is listing to one side." Him: "The boat looks straight." Me: "That's because the front and back of a Man o' War are angled." Him: "The masts still look crooked.").

Thus, today begins my reign of terror. Er, freedom. Yes, today I strike out as a free man and rediscover what I used to fill my time with besides pictures of pirates. So far, Becky and Final Fantasy XII are doing a pretty good job.

Patrick Rothfuss is continuing to garner both praise and spite (like any upstart bursting onto the scene with as much panache as he has) as well as unbelievable opportunities. I'm sure it won't be long now before a gilded messenger arrives at my apartment to invite me to a castle-warming party at Rothfuss Keep in Scotland. It'll be right next-door to Anne McCaffrey's place, and the only difference will be that all the dragons there will be addicted to narcotic tree sap.

Good gravy, what if the "Kingkiller Chronicle" becomes as big as the Harry Potter Books? I think if that happened, you'd never see Rothfuss without a top hat. He'd have a plethora of them, and they'd be different heights to indicate his mood.

Well, we can all hope, can't we. Now we just have to make King Sheep Productions a household name, and we'll be set too. See you Monday.

Fantastic poo!

Hello Blog-readers,

If you don't live in Pullman WA, then you are probably not aware of a little tradition we have here. One of our local theaters plays 3rd run movies every Thursday for two dollars. Needless to say, cheap entertainment in this town is something special. So, to encourage other people to go see these movies, every wednesday I send out an email that chronicles what various reviewers have to say about the film. That's the backstory, here's the important bit. This week's movie is Fantasic Four 2. I ended up with a few extra jokes at it's expense, so here is the 'unedited, directors cut' of my email in case someone wanted to read my edited jokes. Enjoy.

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer - The Audian - 6:15 pm - 2 buckaroos.

Okay, we all know this movie is poo. How can it not be? It's a sequel to a festering obscenity of a movie. So, by comparison, poo is good. Poo is great. But, let's not forget it's still poo. All that's left is the question of stink. Will it be hillbilly swamp poo where one whiff instantly ignites nose hairs or will it be innocuous and almost amusing baby poo? So which is it FF2:ROTSS, what kind of poo are you?

"If you swept the cosmic dust of the superhero boom into a flimsy dustpan, you'd have the Fantastic Four franchise." Scott Brown Entertainment Weekly

Dusty cosmic boom poo.

"It's a good thing Jessica Alba is easy on the eyes because she belly flops onto the craft of acting like a big black anvil." Mark Ramsey MovieJuice!

Acme products poo.

"Superficial, unimaginative and inert. The so-called heroes are pompous, one-note caricatures who have the depth of gnats, and are just as irritating." Dustin Putman TheMovieBoy.com

Gnat-gonna-make-Alba-happy poo.

"At times silly and then serious, this Fantastic Four is the cinematic equivalent of multiple personality disorder." Misha Davenport Chicago Sun-Times

Psycho Sybil poo. At last, a superhero movie that we can lock in the basement and make eat eraser heads. "It puts on the lotion or else it gets the hose again."

"Fantastic? Maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration. Thrilling, engaging and totally adequate are more fitting adjectives to the latest superhero special effects bonanza." Phil Villarreal Arizona Daily Star

Thesaurus poo.

"Sentient humans should stay away; all others may enter confident that their IQs are already in the Chernobyl-fried range and will not be affected, except for downward." Stephen Hunter Washington Post

Insult your audience poo.

"KAPOW! The world's most boring superheroes return to lull us back to sleep in a sequel that could put the makers of Nytol out of business." David Edwards Daily Mirror [UK]

Product plug poo.

"Impressive not because of anything that's said, but for the realization that you're watching the screen be dominated by Jessica Alba and a piece of CGI without ever once experiencing the urge to gnaw through your own shoulder." Steve Schneider Orlando Weekly

Cannibal poo.

"Surfing down the face of a building or opening bottomless holes in the Earth? Yes! Lamenting the loss of his loved one and trading therapy sessions with Sue? No!" Brian Orndorf OhmyNews.com

Simplified review structure? Yes. Amusing and original? No. I can't decide. Is this monolog poo or more of that Sybil psycho poo?

"Fantasy pictures needn't be bound by the constraints of real-world logic, but they can't survive the quotidian blandness by which this one is smothered." Kurt Loder MTV

Kurt Loder's poo. No, smarty-pants poo. He must want to look smart if he uses 'quotidian' when speaking to an MTV audience. You get the picture. We need wrap up poo. The honor goes to the Onion AV club.

"Many complaints were lobbed at Fantastic Four but no one ever suggested it was too smart. Yet it would seem that everyone came to the sequel, Fantastic Four: Rise Of The Silver Surfer, determined to dumb it down." Keith Phipps Onion AV Club

And thank god they did. The dumber the movie, the more brain cells we save for other essential habits like sniffing glue and banging our heads on things. Thank you FF2:ROTSS, you and your blissfully long acronym title have saved the day again.

PDJ

The Special Hell

Today's Kingdom Heights is dedicated to the four-year-old boy sitting three seats away from me at "Ratatouille" and his parents who believe that a public theater is the same as the living room of their trailer park hovel.