Please Stand By

Bear with me, folks. I'm making a lot of changes to the site formatting, so things will be a little irregular for a bit.

Steven Colbert for President

So, Steven Colbert is running for President and I've been trying to process what that means for his show, the elections and US (as in the USA). On the surface, his decision could be nothing more than a clever gimmick to give himself more material to work with. After all, his show is based around satirizing the news and he never misses an opportunity to boast about his personal media wake. While I'm sure he'll milk the premise for gallons of humor, I'm still left with the preposterous question: what if he wins?

Oh, of course he won't. The loyal members of the Colbert Nation don't represent a significant portion of the voting population, nor are they all likely to cast their ballot at this historical footnote. Plus, as cynical as some Americans are, voting a comedian into the highest office would be make everyone the punchline to a very cruel joke. However, Colbert is breaking important ground. He is a successful media personality with 30-minutes of daily soapboxing on all the issues currently being debated. He has the perfect platform - everyone already knows he's a two-faced liar because it's part of his act, whereas we are left to assume that other politicians follow the Judas path. He is not required to join any debates or come up with a plan for a health care cure all. His bid for the presidency is risk free: all of the publicity, with none of the baggage.

For me, what makes his decision so monumental, is that he has opened the door for media personalities to enter political discussions as the characters they play. The concept is absurd, but improbable concepts can become mundane through exposure (remember Alf?) So it may only be a matter of time before we see the actors of our youth become the politicians of our future.

Put Charles in Charge
Baio/Aames 2012



PDJ

No Dog. Beware of Manager.

The following is a post about my job:

We get a lot of sales people coming into the shop. Despite the sign on the front window right next to the door that says "NO SOLICITING," they trundle in and attempt to ply their wares. Mind you, they aren't peddling unbreakable knives, cordless vacuum cleaners, or Girl Scout cookies. No, their merchandise is ten thousand dollar color copiers that mail merge, fold, staple, bind, and make mochaccinos in-line. Normally, these guys wouldn't be a problem.

But my new boss used to be a children's pastor at an area church. He's new to the business and likes making people feel like they're doing well, even if they're bloodless carrion-feeders from the United Association of Merde You Don't Need. What he's only now beginning to understand is that these people don't know the meaning of "mild interest." He says, "I'm thinking of getting a new machine next fall," and they hear, "Come by every day and pester me until I sign a lease." He's a softie, and there's nothing wrong with that, but sales folk need a firm hand. They're like bear. Like underage alcoholic freshman bear. You give them anything, and they'll never leave you alone.

Now, I've got a roller in my desk. It's a hardened rubber rod with a steel core about eighteen inches long that Ikon uses to push paper through their industrial-grade copiers, and I'm aching to use it like Mr. Echo's Jesus Stick on the next rabid solicitor who comes through our door. I take the text "No Soliciting" very seriously. To me, it means that if you ignore it and enter the office anyway, you waive any and all right to a cordial exchange. I respect the bravery and testicular fortitude it takes to be a cold-calling sales person, but there are rules in businesses.

So, if you happen to be a seller of printing supplies, beware of ignoring signs on your next sales call. The person on the other side of the counter might be me.

Three Blogs in Three Days

It's like I'm the Mad Midnight Poster What Posts at Midnight! Only I don't post at midnight, I just post frequently. Lately.

I saw something wonderfully thought-provoking the other day. The story begins as my wife and I were on our way home from working out. See, we periodically spend time at the local 24-hour Fitness Emporium of Medieval Torture, flogging ourselves and hurting our bodies under the guise of "healthy activity." My idea of healthy activity requires either a jungle gym or a bed. Maybe both. Seriously, does anyone else get depressed going to gyms? It's such a sordid affair! Walk in, avoid eye contact, don't get too close to anyone else, and please God, don't raise your voice loud enough to be heard more than a foot away. Grown men and women either slink around the place trying not to be noticed, or they grunt and flaunt and flex like rutting moose.

Imagine, if thou wilst, if children treated their playgrounds the way grown-ups treated their gyms. Down and back twice on the hand-over-hand bars, ten pumps on the swing, "Are you finished with the rope ladder? No, it's cool. Take your time," five runs on the slide and remember to maintain proper posture, then round it out with 20 laps around the playground. They'd stand in line next to see-saws, taking swigs from water bottles and acting like they're always out of breath, stretching occasionally, and not playing with anyone else. That's why gyms are absurd.

That and, at our 24, there is a young woman who smells overwhelmingly of vanilla perfume. I'm neither joking nor exaggerating when I say that it would be possible to track this girl through a forest at night simply by following the scent. If she remains stationary at, say, an elliptical machine, the perfume wafts to a range of about thirty feet. I don't personally regard this as awful, being a fan of vanilla, but it has made me consider going to Wal-mart, buying the most pungent orange-scented cologne they have on the shelf, dousing myself and going to 24 where Vanilla Girl and I can combine our powers and make the whole place smell like a giant creamsicle. I personally maintain that more people would be interested in fitness if it didn't ferociously project an aura of grueling seriousness. Physical activity should be fun, not a second job.

So, anyway, on our way home from the Tower of London, there's a business with the best readerboard in town. It's always got some witty quote or tidbit on it, and the last time I went by, the following quote was indelibly writ upon my cerebral cortex.

"Fanaticism consists in redoubling your effort when you have forgotten your aim."

George Santayana said that in 1905, and it's just as true in 2007. I believe that we Americans have forgotten our aim, and it's past time to remember what we're doing and why. I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm going to be thinking of Santayana's words next November.

This is what a post looks like when I don't input a title. Interesting. So, to follow-up on my review of The Heartbreak Kid, here's a rundown of the trailers attached thereupon.

27 Dresses - Written by red-hot Hollywood commodity Aline Brosh McKenna (Devil Wears Prada), and starring Katherine Heigl (fresh off her Emmy) and James Marsden (fresh off being incinerated in X-Men 3), this flick looks like it'll be well worth taking your date to if my wife's reaction is to be at all trusted. Heigl plays the lovelorn perpetual bridesmaid forced to plan the wedding of her sister to the man she loves. I have a thought on the usage of weddings/marriage in modern romantic comedies, but it'll need more time to percolate. Moving on.

P.S. I Love You - Quite possibly the most original idea I've seen in a long time. Hilary Swank plays the grieving widow of Irishman Gerard Butler. When her grief begins to consume her, she starts receiving letters from her late husband. Arranged before his death, he's set up a series of tasks and adventures for her to make sure her life doesn't end just because his did. The preview makes it look good; I just hope the film lives up to the promise.

Dan in Real Life - Steve Carell in a dramedy? Preposterous as that may sound, I believe this movie will win him a whole new demographic of fans as a widower who is struggling with his children and his parents. This is a film whose TV spots will almost certainly contain the famous hyphenations of "heart-felt" and "feel-good," and with good reason. Plus, any trailer using "Let My Love Open the Door" by Townsend is a shoo-in for me.

Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street - Great googly-moogly! Johnny Depp is perfection already as the vengeful barber, and Helena Bonham Carter as his pie-making partner in crime. Round out the cast with Alan Rickman and Sacha Baron Cohen, add Tim Burton's darkly twisted style, and this movie looks like it'll be a splendid holiday feast. Depp is so great as Todd, it's going to leave you asking "Jack who?" Did I mention it's a musical?

And that's the good stuff for you, my friends. This holiday season is going to have some good theater crack, so line up and have your credit cards ready.

Updates

Just a few things to throw your way under the heading of "We're not dead." I went to see The Heartbreak Kid on Sunday. Short review, skip it. Long review, go here. Also, check out the new House Rules comic, and we'll have more comics for ya in a couple days.

The internet is weird

I posted a post at 9 in the morning,
I can't think of a rhyme for morning
Bad poetry sucks

The world needs to know about this

Today, browncoats were blessed with a wonderful piece of internet rumor-mongering.

http://www.moviehole.net/news/20071004_serenity_2_a_new_hope.html

I hope it is true. That's pretty much all I can bring myself to say (you know, for fear of jinxing it). Let's discuss how cool this is in the comments section.

Week 'o premieres: round up

Greetings gentle readers,

So last week is over and the new shows are still coming. This week we get the culturally embarrassing Cavemen and the return of the Sarah Silverman Program. However that's for tomorrow, today is for yesterday's stuff.

REAPER: A quirky, dark supernatural comedy about the devil's bounty hunter on earth. The first episode worked on several levels, combining elements of Ghostbusters and Buffy with a little Kevin Smith (who directed the pilot) humor thrown in. Currently, it's in a race with Bionic Woman for my favorite freshmen series. 10/11

KID NATION: After watching this show, you can see that these children are in serious danger: of winning money! We all know kids can be petty (almost as much as adults) and now they are responsible for giving $20k to a fellow pioneer each week. There is no real danger here, unless parents are worried that kids will learn life lessons without them. The show feels both safe and exploitive at the same time. I find it fascinating, but you might find it gross. Watch at your own risk. 8/11

MOONLIGHT: A vampire detective show that copies Angel but doesn't include the wit/charm/story (ie. good stuff). I got 20 minutes in and then gave up. Sorry, but this show sucks. 5/11